South Park: The Stick of Truth
by Author of the Insane
Summary: Alex and their family moved to a quiet mountain town to try and start a new life. Unfortunately, that mountain town was South Park, Colorado. Immediately, Alex gets dragged into a massive Fantasy role-playing game that will unknowingly change their lives forever, provided they survive aliens, underpants gnomes, and Nazi zombie invasions.
1. The Rise of Douchebag

_Deep in the lands of Zaron, the humans of Kupa Keep struggle to stay alive as they are attacked by the wicked Drow Elves of Larion. Darkness falls as the humans beg their king to save them. A noble king, known only as the Grand Wizard. For a thousand years the battle has waged, with only the bravery of the Grand Wizard to protect his human followers. But even though the Wizard King is so undeniably cool, the Drow Elf armies continue their attacks. They seek the human's most treasured relic – the Stick of Truth._

 _But the tides of war are soon to change, as news of a "new" kid spreads throughout the land. In order to save the humans, the Grand Wizard must get to the new kid – before the Drow elves can manipulate their mind and use them to take the sacred relic from human hands. For whomever controls the Stick… controls the universe._

…

South Park Colorado, a quiet little mountain town in the middle of nowhere. It was a nice place to settle down and hide out in, which is exactly what Chris and Kelly Mathers were looking for. They unloaded a large moving van parked out in front of their house, bringing in the last of the boxes.

"Well, I think that's everything." Chris declared as he set down his last stack of boxes.

"We did it, hon." Kelly replied, smiling at her husband. "We're really moved in."

"It's a new beginning for us." Chris announced, hugging his wife. "Things are finally going to be good."

Kelly hesitated a moment, her eyes slowly drifting to the stairwell that led up to the bedrooms.

"Do you really think it will be better for… for Alex?" she questioned.

"They won't look for Alex here." Chris assured her. "We just need to make sure they don't attract any attention. C'mon, let's see how they're doing."

The two walked up the stairs towards the door closest to the stairs. Kelly approached it, giving the door a light knock.

"Alex?" she called. "Sweetie, are you dressed."

"Yeah mom." Alex replied, opening their door.

9-year old Alex had tan skin and medium length black hair that somewhat hung over their face. They also had a long scar going across their right eye. At the moment, they were dressed in a black shirt with red pants and a matching scarf to combat the cold Colorado weather.

"You like your new room?" Chris asked, looking down at Alex.

Alex gave a shrug, having decided not to get too attached to the town. All their life they had moved about, never remaining in one place for very long. They never understood why, and their parents sure as hell weren't gonna explain, so Alex had elected to simply stop caring.

"I know that moving to a new town again must be difficult, but I'm sure this time will be different from before." Chris assured them.

Alex sighed. Their father had promised that many times as well, and each time the cycle repeated itself. Kelly noticed Alex's face and decided to speak up to clear the air.

"Your father and I are going to continue unpacking." She informed Alex. "Why don't you go outside and make some new friends?"

"Yeah." Chris agreed. "It looks like the entire neighborhood is playing some sort of massive fantasy game. I'm sure you'll have a ton of fun."

"Just make sure to be back before dark, okay sweetie?" Kelly requested.

Once again, Alex gave a silent shrug, then made their way past their parents and out towards the front door. Their parents watched them leave as Chris grumbled irritably.

"Yeah, we love you too…" he muttered sarcastically.

…

Alex pulled their scarf tighter around their neck as they stepped out into the cold, Colorado air. There was fresh snow on the ground that crunched under their feet, but the roads and sidewalks had been cleared, making travel relatively easy.

"You shall not prevail, evil drow elf!" a high pitched voice shouted from down the street. "I banish ye to the forest realm!"

"Nuh-uh." Another voice argued. "I banished you first."

Alex turn towards the sounds of the argument, coming across two kids duking it out. One was dressed like a stereotypical elf with the green Robin Hood outfit and a pair of Halloween elf ears stuck over his own. He was armed with a wooden sword, which he was currently using to beat up his opponent.

The elf's opponent was a boy with blonde hair that stuck out from around a cardboard circlet. He wore what looked like to be a light blue snow suit with a dark blue blanket as a cape and other cardboard armor pieces either tied or taped to his coat. He was armed with a ballpeen hammer, but the elf he was battling quickly disarmed him.

"Ha-ha!" The elf cackled, beating the blonde haired boy over and over with his wooden sword. "You can't hold out much longer!"

The blonde boy began crying for help, trying to cover his head. Alex approached, letting off a cough to get the elf's attention. The elf turned towards them just in time to get a face full of Alex's fist. The kid fell back, rubbing his nose in pain.

"Hey, that's no fair!" the elf whined. "I'm going to tell my mom!"

The elf ran off, no doubt to tattle to his mom, but Alex didn't care. They turned their attention to the elf's victim, recovering his hammer and returning it to him.

"Whoa, thanks." The blonde boy said gratefully, getting to his feet and reclaiming the hammer. "He had a health potion I didn't know about."

Alex raised an eyebrow in confusion as the kid held out his hand.

"My name is Butters the Merciful." He greeted. "I'm a paladin, and I live right next door to you."

Alex glanced over at the house next door to their own, then over at Butters. After a second, they took Butters' offered hand with a small smirk.

"Alex." They greeted.

"Nice to meet you Alex." Butters declared, releasing Alex's hand. "It'll be great to have a new friend."

Alex gave a shrug, sticking their hands in their pockets as Butters continued speaking.

"You know, you're pretty good in a fight." He complimented. "We should go see the Wizard King. I'm sure he'd love to have someone as tough as you as part of Kupa Keep."

"Wizard King?" Alex repeated questioningly.

"He's my friend Cartman." Butters explained in a quieter tone. "He's been talking about your arrival for some time now."

Alex gave a shrug, one that Butters took for consent. He turned and began walking down the street, Alex trailing behind. As they continued walking through the snow, Butters began rattling off a long series of questions about Alex.

"Where are you from?" he asked.

"Nowhere."

"Where'd you live before moving here?"

"Everywhere."

"Do you like Colorado?"

"Dunno."

"Why are you wearing your hair like that?"

"Because."

"You don't talk much, do ya?"

"Nope."

"That's okay, I can talk for both of us!"

Eventually, the pair reached a green house, Butters immediately running up to the door and giving it a knock. After a moment, a very fat kid with a double chin opened the door for them. He was wearing a red bathrobe with a blue blanket as a cape. He also had an obviously handmade blue wizard hat with a rough gold star haphazardly stitched to it. He had a long stick in his hand, no doubt serving as his wizard staff, and he looked upon the two kids with an air of pomp and self-worth.

"All hail the Grand Wizard!" Butters cheered, throwing his hands up in the air.

Alex looked at Butters with a raised eyebrow, wondering who he was talking to considering the street was empty. After a moment, Butters lowered his arms as both he and Alex turned towards the fat kid.

"So you are the new kid." He declared, glancing Alex up and down. "Your coming was foretold by Coldwell Banker. I am the Grand Wizard."

Alex gave a small nod, unsure of how to react. The Grand Wizard, or Cartman as Butters had explained earlier, merely continued on.

"The time for talk is not nigh." He announced. "Let me show you my kingdom."

The Grand Wizard turned and walked into the house, Butters and Alex following after. As they walked through the living room, Cartman's mom looked up from the TV, smiling at Alex.

"Oh who's your new friend, Eric?" she asked in a high and somewhat demeaning tone of voice.

"Shut up mom." Cartman let out, continuing to lead Butters and Alex without even looking at his mom. "Not now."

After this brief encounter, the three ventured out into the backyard, where a large kingdom had been built using cardboard, blankets, rope, and a lot of duct tape.

"Welcome!" The Grand Wizard declared. "To the Kingdom of Kupa Keep!"

Alex looked around, honestly impressed by the amount of work that had to have gone into making the kingdom. There were a few other kids scattered about the yard, all of them dressed in medieval costumes. The Grand Wizard approached a folding table covered in an old tarp and fake weapons, coming up next to the boy supposedly in charge of the set up.

"This is our armory, which is tended to by Clyde, our level 14 warrior." He explained.

"Sup." Clyde greeted, giving a small wave of his hand.

Alex gave a small wave back as the Grand Wizard moved on to a sandbox marked off with jump rope. Inside was a single cat being petted by a boy wearing a belt covered in bottles and syringes. For some reason, his tongue was sticking out of his mouth.

"Our stables are overseen by the level 9 ranger Scott Malkinson." The Grand Wizard continued. "He is also a master of Diabetes."

Alex gave a nod, now understanding the significance of the bottles and syringes. No doubt they were Scott's insulin. Once again The Grand Wizard moved on, approaching another kid in an orange parka that almost completely obscured their face. They wore a blonde wig over the hood of their parka, as well as a purple and white dress, and some fake jewelry to top it all off.

"And here, of course, is the breathtaking and lovely Princess Kenny." The Grand Wizard introduced. "The fairest maiden in all the kingdom."

Alex blinked, giving Kenny a strange look. Kenny gave a falsetto giggle that was muffled by his parka before curtsying. Cartman sighed, then placed a hand beside his mouth so Kenny wouldn't see.

"Don't ask why Kenny wanted to be a chick." He whispered. "It's just how he seems to be rolling right now."

Alex shrugged, then The Grand Wizard spoke once more.

"You have been sought out, New Kid, because humans everywhere are in great danger." He explained. "I need something from you, and in return, I am prepared to offer you into my kingdom."

Alex gave a slow nod, intrigued by the elaborate game, and curious to see how well they'd fair.

"I know you are very excited." The Grand Wizard remarked. "For it is time for your first quest, but first- please tell us thy name."

"Alex."

The Grand Wizard squinted a bit.

"What kind of Douchebag name is that?" He let out. "You know what, I'm just gonna call you Douchebag, okay?"

Alex opened their mouth to retort, but was cut off.

"Glad you agree, Douchebag." The Grand Wizard interrupted. "Now we just need to choose a class for you. There are four to choose from: Fighter, Mage, Thief, or Jew. A fighter has courage, honor, and the ability to kick fucking ass. A mage is like a wizard, only not as cool. You certainly look sneaky enough to be a thief, though I hope you don't pick Jew. You seem okay and I'd hate to have to single you out."

Alex mulled over the choices, wondering whether or not they should even play. Cartman was proving to be a huge dick, as well as an asshole, and being his friend seemed detrimental. However, Alex knew that their parents wanted them to make friends, and while Cartman was proving to me a prick, Butters had been nice, and the other kids seems okay too.

"Fighter." They eventually decided.

"Very well." The Grand Wizard declared. "Welcome to Kupa Keep, Douchebag the Fighter!"

Alex went to try and argue about their name, but was once again cut off.

"Hooray!" Butters cheered.

Clyde approached with a wooden sword, as well as a headband and a pair of gloves.

"Here is thine armor, Fighter Douchebag." He explained, holding them out like one would an actual sword.

Alex took the gear, sliding the gloves on and tying the headband onto their forehead. Once they took the wooden sword, The Grand Wizard patted them on the back.

"Now that you are properly attired and armed, it is time to test your fighting ability." He announced. "Take up your weapon, and, with the bravery of a noble knight – beat up Clyde."

"What?" Both Alex and Clyde exclaimed.

"Kick Clyde's ass, Douchebag!" The Grand Wizard demanded.

"What did I do?!" Clyde let out.

"I'm the king, Clyde!" Cartman snapped. "The King wishes to be amused! Now go on New Kid, kick his ass!"

Clyde and Alex exchanged glances, then they both moved into fighting stances, both of them lifting their weapons.

"Sorry…" Alex said softly.

"Don't sweat it." Clyde replied. "Just don't get mad when I own you in this fight."

"Just remember that we have to wait turns." Cartman called out.

"Wait turns?" Clyde repeated. "Dude that's fucking lame."

"No Clyde, it's like the olden times." Cartman argued. "You have to wait your turn, like in the Middle Ages Clyde. I know it's lame, but that's how we're fucking doing it."

"So, I go first?" Alex questioned.

"Yes." Cartman answered. "Now bash Clyde's face in! Don't be shy!"

Alex shrugged, then swung their sword at Clyde. Clyde easily blocked the blow, then tried for a swing of his own. The wooden blade connected with Alex's side, causing them to yelp in pain. Alex rubbed their side as Clyde smirked. The Grand Wizard pinched the bridge of his nose in regret.

"Great, it's Butters all over again." He moaned. "Come on Douchebag, hit him with everything you've got!"

Alex growled, then lifted their sword, clipping Clyde on the side of the head. He stumbled a bit, his helmet nearly flying off his head. The Grand Wizard gasped as Clyde straightened up.

"Holy shit dude, I think I see blood!" The Grand Wizard exclaimed. "Fucking nice, brah!"

Clyde tapped the side of his head where Alex's weapon had connected. Sure enough, there was some blood. His eyes narrowed as he turned to Alex.

"You're fucked now, New Kid." He warned.

He rushed as Alex, barely giving them time to lift their weapon. The sword would have connected with Alex's head had they been two seconds slower, but luckily, they weren't. Alex shoved Clyde off, then delivered a blow to his stomach, sending him reeling over in pain. The Grand Wizard visibly winced.

"Fuck man that was brutal." He remarked.

Clyde coughed, then straightened up, visibly hurt. Alex approached him cautiously, then saw Clyde drop his sword.

"You win, New Kid." Clyde declared. "Nice fight."

Alex breathed a sigh of relief, sliding their sword onto their belt before offering a hand to Clyde. Clyde took it, then The Grand Wizard approached the both of them.

"Fuck yeah that was a nice fight!" He shouted. "You totally got your ass handed to you by a fucking noob!"

Clyde glared at Cartman, then dusted himself off and returned to his post. Cartman calmed down a bit, then turned back to Alex.

"You've proven yourself worthy, Douchebag." He declared. "Come into my war tent, there is something I wish for you to see."

He turned and made his way towards a tent that had been set up behind the large cardboard castle. Alex walked in after them, curiosity getting the better of them. The inside of the tent had been set up to resemble a throne room of sorts, with an old easy chair that had several gardening tools duct taped to it serve as an Iron Throne replica. There was a table with a crudely drawn map of the city beside the throne, as well as a bucket or two of fried chicken.

"Behold, the source of the never-ending feud between the Humans and the Drow Elves." The Grand Wizard announced. "The relic for which human and elf are willing to die… The Stick of Truth."

Resting upon a column made from an old birdbath and a pillow, a single stick resided. It was a very boring stick, no ornaments or decorations. It didn't even have any leaves. However, when the Grand Wizard spoke of it, it was with great reverence.

"Just two days ago, we took the Stick back from the elves." He explained. "Our kingdom was dying, but now it thrives. For whomever controls the stick, controls the universe."

Alex let out a whistle, now seeing the significance.

"Don't gaze at it too long." The Grand Wizard warned. "For its power is too much for mere mortals to look at."

Alex dutifully looked away.

"So, what now?" Alex questioned.

"Now, we guard the Stick." The Grand Wizard answered. "There's no doubt in my mind that the High Jew Elf King is trying to find a way to snatch the Stick of Truth from us once again."

As if on cue, Butters began shouting from outside the tent.

"Alarm!" he screamed. "Alarm! Alarm!"

Both The Grand Wizard and Alex came running out of the tent to see Butters jumping around and waving his arms like a crazed chicken.

"What is it?" The Grand Wizard questioned.

"The elves are attacking!" Butters exclaimed.

"Oh my god!" The Grand Wizard shouted. "Everyone, defensive positions!"

Kids began scrambling about grabbing weapons and attempting to barricade the fence. Outside of the gate, a large group of kids, all of them dressed like elves, were quickly approaching Kupa Keep.

"Give us the Stick, humans!" A blonde elf leading the charge demanded.

"Fuck you, Drow Elf!" the Grand Wizard taunted. "Come and get it!"

The Elves charged at The Grand Wizard turned to Clyde.

"Clyde, guard the Stick of Truth while we defend the fortress!" he ordered.

"Aye, aye!" Clyde replied, running off towards the Stick.

"Aye, aye?" Cartman repeated in annoyance. "We're not playing Pirates, Clyde!"

Alex gripped their sword, turning to The Grand Wizard.

"What should I do?" They asked.

"Hold off those asshole elves at all costs, Douchebag." He replied. "We cannot let them reclaim the Stick!"

The backyard had become a warzone, with humans and elves attacking one another viciously. Alex barely had time to blink before a suction cup arrow struck them in the arm. They turned just in time to see two elves approaching. One was aiming another arrow at them, one that Alex quickly dodged. They yanked the arrow off of their arm, tossing it aside.

"Douchebag, catch!" The Grand Wizard shouted.

Alex turned in time to see a bag of Cheesy Poofs being thrown at their head. Alex caught it.

"It's a health potion!" he explained. "Eat some."

Deciding not to question the logic of the game, or how a food item could be considered a potion, Alex opened the bag, taking a few Poofs before shoving the bag into their coat pocket.

"You can have one potion per turn according to the rules." Cartman explained. "I asked for five, but this was the compromise."

Alex nodded, then turned back to the fight. The second elf, armed with a wooden sword similar to Alex's, charged at Alex. He swung twice, Alex blocking each attack. After the second block, the elf lost his grip on his sword and it flew out of his hands. Alex took advantage of that, clipping him across the chest before kicking him back. The elf ended up sprawled out on the ground, moaning in pain.

The elf archer looked at his fallen friend, then over at Alex. Alex grinned, then slid their sword back in their belt before picking up a rock. With a deft toss, they lobbed it right into the elf's head. He fell, joining his companion on the ground. Alex snatched the bow and arrows from the elf before returning to combat.

"Ow!" Butters cried out. "Help!"

Alex turned to see two elves ganging up on him. Knocking back an arrow, Alex took aim at one of them, the arrow sticking to the back of their head.

"Headshot!" Cartman shouted. "You're dead asshole!"

The elf pulled the arrow from his head, looking back at Alex before flipping them the bird. He then dropped to the ground, pretending to be dead as his partner turned to Alex. He barely had time to react before another arrow fired from Alex's bow. The elf easily blocked the arrow, charging. Discarding the bow, Alex pulled their sword out again, blocking the oncoming blow before catching the elf upside the head. Once more, the elf hit the ground.

"You're slaying them, Douchebag!" The Grand Wizard cheered.

Finally, two more elves moved in on Alex. These two had bicycle helmets that had been painted green, leading Alex to assume they were some form of armor. Lifting their sword, Alex prepared for their assault. One lifted up a very crudely made wooden shield, charging at Alex. They swung, easily shattering the poorly constructed shield before aiming a blow at the elf's stomach.

"Jeez, what is this new kid?" The other elf questioned.

Alex grinned, lifting their sword before turning to the other elf.

"A Fighter." They answered before plunging the sword into the elf's stomach.

The kid fell, coughing a bit as he filled his mouth with a small packet of ketchup. The blonde elf that had led the charge looked around at his fallen friends. His eyes fell upon those that had been bested by Alex as well as those taken out by the other kids of Kupa Keep.

"Drow elves!" he shouted. "Fall back! Fall back I say!"

One by one, all of the elves peeled out of Kupa Keep, many of them nursing cuts and bruises. Those who had sustained a few more injuries than most were aided by their friends in running to safety. The humans of Kupa Keep watched them go as the Grand Wizard lifted his staff triumphantly.

"Yes! Awesome, dude!" he cheered before turning to the gate. "Take that you asshole elves! Better luck next time!"

He then proceeded to do a triumphant dance, shaking his oversized ass about in the general direction of the gate.

"We still control the universe!" he sang a bit, still dancing about.

"It's gone." Clyde suddenly said.

The Grand Wizard stopped his dance, turning to the approaching Clyde in shock and anger.

"What?" he questioned.

"The Stick of Truth." Clyde clarified, coming to a stop. "The elves got it."

There was a long moment of silence, then Cartman practically blew up.

"That was your one goddamn job, Clyde!" he screamed, getting right up in Clyde's face. "To guard the Stick of fucking Truth!"

Alex took a step away from Cartman as he continued shouting in Clyde's face.

"You know what, fuck you Clyde!" Cartman declared. "I banish you from space and time!"

"What? No!" Clyde snapped, more angry than surprised. "You can't do that!"

"Yeah I can!" Cartman replied. "You're banished, and lost in space and time!"

"Yeah, go home Clyde!" Butters added from behind Cartman.

Clyde glared at Cartman, then took of his helmet and tossed it on the ground. He stormed out of Kupa Keep, leaving the rest of the humans be. Cartman picked up the helmet, approaching Alex.

"You fought bravely on the battlefield, Douchebag." He complimented, placing the helmet on their head.

"Yeah." Scott agreed, his speech slightly slurred by his sticking out tongue. "This new kid might be a douchebag, but he can still fight."

Alex went to open their mouth to speak, but was once again interrupted by Cartman.

"Shut up, Scott." The Grand Wizard snapped. "Nobody cares what you think. Anyways, we have a bigger problem now. The Stick of Truth has been stolen, and we must assemble our entire army in order to get it back."

"But our three best warriors haven't reported for duty yet, Milord." Butters informed him.

"I'll get them." Alex volunteered.

"Of course you will." The Grand Wizard declared. "You're just a level 2 Fighter, so you're just a grunt, so you do the grunt work. You'll have to find my three best warriors; Token, Tweek, and Craig."

Alex raised an eyebrow, then Cartman sighed, holding out his hand.

"Give me your personal inventory device." He demanded.

Alex looked at the hand in confusion, then Butters slid forward, whispering in Alex's ear.

"He means your cellphone, Alex." He explained.

Recognition dawning, Alex fished into their coat, pulling out their cell phone and handing it to Cartman. Cartman snatched it, taking out his own before texting away.

"There, their pictures are now on your personal inventory device." The Grand Wizard declared, handing the phone back to Alex. "But beware, the lands outside are full of marauding Drow Elves, monsters, and Sixth Graders. That, and as a newcomer to our land, you will no doubt get hopelessly lost. Paladin Butters will accompany you."

Butters gave a nod, then turned to Alex.

"Let's go, Alex." He declared. "We have to gather the warriors!"

With that, our noble heroes took their valiant quest to gather the fighters of Zaron, and save the universe.


	2. Taking Up Arms

Whence we last left our heroes, Butters the Merciful and Alex "Douchebag" the Fighter had left the sanctity of Kupa Keep to venture into the vast wilderness of Zaron, better known as the South Park Neighborhood.

"Before we head out, I should tell you that we need to stay out of the street." Butters warned. "While we may be allowed to explore the open world as we wish, our parents don't want us to get run over."

Alex gave a nod of understanding, having no plans of venturing into the streets anyhow. They walked passed both Butters' and Alex's houses, heading towards the large bus stop. They soon reached a large snowman, one that seemed to be shaking a bit. Both Butters and Alex paused, unsure of what to make of the shivering snowman. That's when it exploded, revealing a group of four elves waiting for a surprise attack.

"Oh hamburgers!" Butters exclaimed.

"Time to pay, New Kid!" one of the elves snapped. "We're gonna kick your ass!"

"You never should have moved into our realm." Another threatened.

The four of them all charged at once, swarming Alex in a flurry of wooden swords and suction cup arrows. Alex was moving as fast as they could to try and block all of the attacks, but unfortunately, that was proving to be quite difficult. They would block one sword, only for another to connect with their side. On top of that, an arrow or two connected with their arm and their leg.

"Hang on, Alex!" Butters called out. "Paladin Butters is on his way!"

He came up behind Alex, pulling the arrows off of them and giving them a pat on their back. Alex wasn't sure if it was their imagination or not, but they felt more than a bit better after Butter's pats.

"My healing touch is powerful, but takes a bit out of me." Butters explained. "Try not to get hurt too bad, Alex."

Alex nodded, then Butters turned to the elves with his mighty Warhammer lifted high. Spinning around in a circle, he gathered momentum before releasing the hammer, striking one of the elves in the face. The elf fell immediately, a small trail of blood along his forehead. Butters picked up his hammer, wincing at the sight.

"I'm sorry." He apologized.

"Don't be." Alex told him, shoving one of the elves back before bashing the hilt of their sword onto said elf's head.

The elf archer shot another arrow at Alex, this one catching them across the face. Alex yelped, surprised to feel something sharp slice through their skin. They looked down at the arrow, seeing a piece of barbed wire wrapped around the suction cup. Lifting their hand to their face, Alex felt a slight cut beginning to bleed.

"Here, Alex, I always carry bandages." Butters offered, holding out a Terrance and Phillip bandage.

Alex took the bandage, slapping it over the cut to stop the bleeding. They had a feeling this wouldn't be the only wound they would be getting during this game. With their cut now bandaged, Alex turned back to the fight, focusing their attack on the archer while Butters dealt with the other sword wielding elf. Alex's wooden sword smashed into the sword of their opponent, both of them smashing to pieces.

Alex and the elf looked at their weapons, then at each other. There was a moment of confusion, then Alex punched the elf as hard as they could in the face. About the same time, Butter brought his hammer down hard on his elf's head. The bicycle helmet they were wearing softened the blow, but it was still enough to apparently be considered a deadly one. The elf joined his companions on the ground, leaving Alex and Butters victorious.

"Woo Hoo!" Butters cheered. "We did it, Alex!"

Alex nodded, grabbing one of the fallen swords and sliding it into their belt. They also grabbed the archer elf's arrows, restocking for just in case. Rearmed and with the elves dealt with, the two warriors continued onward with their quest.

…

They passed by several houses on their way. This time keeping a sharp eye out for any more surprise attacks. Alex felt particularly bad after destroying a snowman a young third grader had been working on, afraid of another ambush.

"We're here!" Butters declared after a while. "The dwelling of Feldspar, our level 12 thief."

Alex marched up to the front door, giving it a knock. The door was answered by a large, balding man who was no doubt the father of "Feldspar".

"Hello boys." The man greeted. "Are you to looking for Craig?"

Alex went to speak, but Butters interrupted them.

"Yes sir, the Kingdom of Zaron calls for him!"

"Sorry son, but Craig can't play." The man informed him. "He's in detention right now. Something about flipping off the Principal."

The door closed in their face as Butters and Alex exchanged looks.

"Guess we'll have to find the others first." Butters lamented.

Alex shrugged, then gestured for Butters to lead the way. He led Alex out of the neighborhood, up the street towards City Hall.

"We'll probably find Token on his family's estate." Butters hypothesized. "And Tweek is probably at his parent's coffee shop. Tweek is closer, so we'll go there first."

Alex nodded as Butters led them down the sidewalk.

…

As they made their way towards the coffee shop, they passed by a group of tough looking girls bullying another girl. One of the girls had what looked like to be a Justin Bieber doll in her hand and was holding it out of the reach of her victim.

"Give it back!" the girl cried, jumping to try and reach her doll. "Give it back!"

"Why don't you make us?" one of the bully girls taunted.

"That's my Justin Bieber toy!" the victim whined.

"Not anymore it's not." A different bully retorted.

"Aw jeez, that's Annie." Butters whispered. "Those she-ogres stole her toy. Still, best not to get in-oh hamburgers!"

Butters looked to see Alex gone, marching up to the bully girls. Butters gulped, then watched helplessly as Alex reeled back their fist and socked one of the girls across the mouth. She gasped, holding her mouth as she turned to Alex, her friends also glaring.

"Who the hell are you?" The punched girl demanded.

Alex didn't answer. Instead, they rolled up their sleeves, returning the bullies' glares with one of their own.

"You want a piece of me, New Kid?" the punched girl snapped.

Alex gave a single nod, then punched the girl again, this time in the gut. She doubled over, gasping a bit as Alex brought up their knee. Knee connected with nose, and the girl went down. Her friends moved in, one trying to kick Alex in between the legs. Alex caught the leg, trapping the girl before punching her in the face. Her balance gone, she joined her friend on the ground once Alex released her leg.

"Woo! Keep at it, Alex!" Butters cheered.

The final bully looked up at Alex, as if contemplating their next move. Alex just stood there, holding out their hand.

"The doll." They demanded.

"Make me, pussy!" the girl snapped.

Alex sighed, then pulled out their sword. Swinging it like a bat, they connected with the girl's hand, forcing her to drop the doll. Alex snatched it up quickly, then brought the hilt of the sword into the girl's gut. She fell, then looked up at Alex who was pointing their sword at the girl menacingly.

"Get lost." Alex snarled.

The girl got up, her friends getting up as well as all three of them booked it. Alex watched them go, then turned to Annie, holding out the doll for her. She took it, looking it over for damage before sighing in relief.

"Thank you, New Kid." She told Alex gratefully. "I owe you one."

Alex just smiled, then turned back down the street as if they hadn't just beaten up a group of bullies. Butters quickly ran to catch up to them, his mouth agape in amazement.

"That was amazing, Alex!" Butters complimented. "Those girls were as tough as sixth graders, and you kicked their butts like it was nothing."

"I hate bullies." Alex replied simply.

"Yeah, me too." Butters agreed. "They're always picking on me, giving me noogies, wet willies, pink bellies, snuggies, titty twisters…"

…

By the time the duo reached Tweek Bros. Coffee, Butters had listed off just about every deplorable act a bully could pull on a victim. Most of them Alex had heard about, but there were a few Butters mentioned that were completely new to them.

"...swirlies, and- and..." Butters looked up to notice the sign which read 'Tweek Bros. Coffee'. "Oh look, we made it."

They entered the coffee shop, and Mr. Tweak greeted them both.

"Welcome to Tweek Coffee." He told them, "Coffee made with ingredients supplied by local organic suppliers. It's local coffee. Brewed locally."

"Hi Mr. Tweak." Butters replied. "Where's Tweek?"

"He's in the back room, unattended." Mr. Tweak answered. "Unattended, like a pristine meadow known only to the wild horses that graze there. Would you like to try some coffee? It's fresh, like a sun-dappled cornfield ready for harvest."

"No thanks." Butters replied. "We just want Tweek."

He then turned towards the back room door.

"Tweek?" He called "Tweek?!"

From behind the backroom door, a panicked cry of anguish and stress emanated from its occupant. From the relatively high pitch, Alex assumed that the sound came from Tweek.

"Have you picked up the fresh local ingredients?" Mr. Tweak questioned.

There was another cry before Tweek answered.

"Not yet Dad!" he shouted through the door. "I'm still trying to do all my chores!"

"Well hurry up, son, the family business is relying on you!" Mr. Tweak insisted.

This time, the scream that issued from the back room was more panicked than anguished. Alex winced at the sound, giving Mr. Tweak a strange look. He met Alex's glance, as if understanding their unspoken question.

"Here at Tweek Brothers, we believe in using homegrown labor." He explained. "That's why our son toils in the back all day. Sure we could hire workers, but I guess we just care a little more."

Alex gave a slow nod, then scooted towards the back room with Butters in tow. They entered the back room, revealing a dark, cramped space filled with crates, machines, and various equipment that Alex was almost sure wasn't supposed to be used to make coffee. Running about this dank inner sanctum was a boy with wiry blonde hair sticking out in all directions and a shirt that was badly misbuttoned. The boy, obviously Tweek, was shaking like a leaf, shuddering and twitching randomly. He ran around the back room with a broom, talking to himself the entire way.

"How am I supposed to do all this?! There's no way, man! Starbucks has like eight employees! Here it's just me!"

"Hey Tweek." Butters greeted, Tweek screaming in reply. "The Grand Wizard is calling his three greatest warriors."

"Now?!" Tweek practically shrieked. "The guys need me now?! Oh there's no way man! I have WAY too much to do! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ALL THIS?!"

Alex made calm down motions with their hands, but from the way Tweek was twitching, it was doubtful that the gestures were doing more than make the situation worse.

"Can we help?" Alex asked.

Tweek ceased panicking for a moment, then his entire face lit up as he grabbed Alex by the arms with a slightly crazed smile.

"Could you get the four o'clock delivery for me?!" He begged "If you do I can finish here and then - and then I'll still have time to play! PLEASE! Would you?! It's at Kenny's house - like always! Y-you give them THIS - They'll give you the delivery!"

He grabbed an envelope, practically shoving it into Alex's hand. They took it, giving Tweek a skeptical look while wondering how much of his parent's coffee the kid consumed. Butters took Alex's arm, ushering them out of the back room as Tweek resumed their chores.

…

Leaving the coffee shop, Butters lead Alex towards the south east corner of the town, across an old railroad that lead to an incredibly dilapidated part of town.

"This is where Princess Kenny lives." Butters explained, leading Alex through a sea of garbage, beer bottles, and various cigarette butts.

Alex looked around the area, wondering how someone could live in a place like this. Then, they laid eyes on an incredibly rundown old house that shouldn't even be standing. There were holes in the roof, all the windows were either broken, boarded up, or both, and the paint was so faded it might as well not have been there anymore.

"Kenny lives here?" Alex questioned.

"Yep. His parents are alcoholics and drug addicts, so they kinda spend all their money on that." Butters informed them. "Kenny does most of the actual work to keep himself and his family fed."

Alex looked at the house sadly, then down at the note. Considering what Butters had said about Kenny's parents, it was becoming clear what the "local ingredients" for the coffee were. It definitely explained the back room, as well as Tweek's behavior.

Alex approached the door, hesitant to knock for fear it would just fall over. Unfortunately, there wasn't a doorbell, so they didn't have a choice. They lightly rapped on the door, and it was soon answered by a red-haired woman wearing an "I'm with stupid" tee-shirt that looked like it had never been washed.

"What?" she demanded, her speech slurred a bit, no doubt from the combo of drugs and alcohol in her system.

Alex just handed her the envelope Tweek had given them. The woman looked at the envelope and recognized it.

"Oh this isn't for me." she informed the two. "This is for the nice people who are renting the guest house out in the back."

"Guest house?" Alex repeated.

The woman just handed Alex a key, then slammed the door in their face. Alex looked at the key, then around the trash ridden lot Kenny called home. Aside from the house, the only other building was the garage. With no other choice in sight, Alex and Butters approached the garage, opening it to reveal a white door. Alex tested the lock, the key fitting perfecting.

"Well, I guess this is the place." Butters remarked. "Let's get Tweek's delivery so we can finish our mission."

The two entered the 'guest house', and Alex wasn't even remotely surprised to find it occupied by a trio of meth heads who had turned the garage into their own meth lab. They all eyed Butters and Alex cautiously.

"Afternoon good sirs." Butters greeted, trying to sound polite. "You wouldn't happen to have a delivery for Tweek Bros. Coffee, would you?"

"Yeah, yeah." one of the meth heads told him harshly. "We got the package for Tweek Coffee. You got the envelope?"

Alex handed them the envelope. The meth head that took it looked at the envelope, then down at Alex.

"Hey... that's not the usual kid that picks up the package." He remarked.

His buddy stared at them both, then went wide eyed with panic.

"Oh shit, it's a cop!"

All three meth heads converged on both Alex and Butters, murder in their eyes. The two kids exchanged worried glances, then drew their weapons, just praying they would survive this encounter.

"You ain't gonna take us alive, coppers!" one shouted as he tried to smash a bottle over Alex's head.

Thankfully, Alex's helmet shielded them from the blow, and they had the chance to deliver a solid hit to the guy's junk. They swung their sword upward as high as they could, connecting with the meth head's balls. The guy fell forward, his voice a bit high pitched as Alex brought the sword down on top of his head.

With one dealt with, Butters faced off against a second one. Thankfully, his hammer was a very real weapon, and when he tossed it at the meth head, striking him in between the eyes, the meth head crumbled to the ground.

"Yeah!" Butters cheered, "Take that!"

The third meth head reached for another bottle, but rather than use it like a club like his companions had, he stuffed a dirty rag into it. He then began fumbling around with a lighter to try and light his Molotov cocktail. Alex saw this an absolutely panicked. They ran forward, hoping to tackle the meth head before they could light the cocktail.

As they ran forward, they tripped and fell into a table, the corner connecting with their solar plexus. It hit just the right spot that Alex suddenly let out a loud, nasty fart. The meth head gagged, then promptly barfed before passing out in the vomit puddle that formed. Butters waved a hand over his nose, backing away a bit.

"Gee whiz whistle britches!" he let out. "You okay Alex?"

Alex was blushing like mad, rubbing their stomach. They nodded slightly, looking down at the passed out meth head as Butters looked around the garage. He found a bag on a shelf marked 'Coffee order' and grabbed it.

"I've got Tweek's stuff." He declared. "We should leave before they wake up."

Alex gave a nod, then they both hightailed it out of Kenny's garage.

…

Neither of them stopped until Kenny's house was out of sight. The two leaned against the chain-link fencing of the U-STOR-IT complex trying to catch their breath.

"Man, Alex, you can really cut the cheese." Butters commented. "I've never heard a Dragon Shout so loud, or smelled one so smelly."

"Dragon Shout?" Alex repeated.

"It's a basic spell that the Wizard King has tried to teach us." Butters clarified. "But I don't think even he could rip one like that. You sure you're not a wizard?"

Alex shook their head. The farts had always been a problem for them, one they tried so desperately to keep hidden. However, here it seemed that their smelly curse was seen as a form of magic. Either that, or farting was the closest thing these kids had to actual magic.

"Well, we shouldn't keep Tweek waiting." Butters declared. "C'mon, let's deliver the delivery."

Alex nodded in reply, then they went next door to the U-STOR-IT, where Tweek Bros. Coffee awaited them. They walked right into the back, where both Tweek and his dad were hard at work. When Tweek heard the door, he turned so fast Alex was surprised he didn't give himself whiplash.

"You got it?!" he nearly shouted. "Please tell me you got it! Please!"

Butters held out the bag, but before he could say anything, Tweek snatched it, relief curbing a small part of his seemingly endless anxiety.

"Oh thank God!" he exclaimed. "Thanks guys! I owe you big time!"

He then immediately ran over to his dad, waving the bag around.

"Dad!" he shouted. "I finished my work! Can I go play?"

"Where's today's delivery?" Mr. Tweak questioned.

"Right here!" Tweek answered, waving the bag some more.

Mr. Tweak took the bag, opening it, licking his finger, and gathering a small bit of white powder on his finger. Alex sighed, their hypothesis correct about the contents of the delivery, and Mr. Tweak's coffee. Mr. Tweak sampled the powder, giving a small nod.

"Hmm, yup, that's good shit." He commented before turning to his son. "Alright, Tweek, you can play for a little bit. But be home before dark or you'll be grounded. Grounded, like the fresh grinds of our all-organic Tweek blend, made with ingredients from local tweekers."

"Thanks again guys!" Tweek proclaimed. "I gotta go get changed, then I'll meet you at the kingdom!"

He ran off as Mr. Tweak began to mix in the coffee grounds with the 'local ingredients'. With nothing left for them to do, Butters and Alex took their leave.

…

The two warriors left the coffee shop, making a left past the Theatre.

"Now that we've got Tweek, we need to recruit Token." Butters explained. "However, this part of our mission isn't gonna be easy."

Alex gave Butters an incredulous look, remembering the meth heads that had nearly killed the both of them. If Butters considered that easy, then this "mission" didn't bode well. Thankfully for Alex, Butters led them to a nicer part of South Park called the Dark Meadows community. It was a gated community that was behind a large, intricate fence. There was a single cop guarding the entrance, a portly man that gave both Butters and Alex suspicious looks.

"This is a gated community, sir." The guard informed them in a monotone voice. "We do not allow in the riff raff. Move along sir."

"We just need to talk to Token." Butters tried to explain.

"Sir, I am a professional security guard, and it is impossible to fool me with your feeble lies." The guard replied, maintaining his monotone voice.

Alex sighed, then tried to slip past him while he was focused on Butters. Unfortunately, he was not as distracted as Alex assumed and noticed their attempt to get past. Without a second's hesitation, the guard pulled out a thing of pepper spray, giving it a shake before catching Alex in the face. Alex squealed, then fell on the ground, vomiting a bit. Butters ran to their aid, pulling them back as the guard slid the pepper spray back onto his belt.

"If you try again, I'll pepper spray you back to the Stone Age." He warned.

Butters led Alex away from the gate, pulling a bottle of water from seemingly out of nowhere.

"Here Alex." He offered. "This cure potion should remove the gate guardian's dark curse."

Alex removed the water bottle's lid, pouring the contents over their face before washing their mouth out as well. Feeling a bit better, Alex leaned against the stone wall, sliding until they were sitting down. Butters joined them on the ground, then there was a small chirp that emanated from his pocket. He fished around, pulling out his cellphone.

"Huh… Cartman just shared a video." He muttered, pressing play on the video.

Alex peeked over Butters' shoulder, noticing that the video was of them getting pepper sprayed. Alex's eyes narrowed as they saw the caption Cartman had written.

"LMFAO Dude! Can't get enough of this video! Watching it a few more times, and I still can't get over your face! LOL :P."

Alex growled, then leaned back, their earlier opinion of Cartman being a dick returning in full force. Butters patted them on the shoulder, then noticed a comment at the bottom of the video.

"Hey Alex, check this out."

Alex glanced over again, seeing the comment Butters had seen. It was from someone named Jimbo Kern.

"Jimbo's Guns carries a selection of gas masks that render pepper spray totally useless as a self-defense. Come visit."

"Jimbo's Guns?" Alex read.

"It's the local gun store owned by Stan's half-uncle." Butters explained. "Maybe we should go and get some gas masks."

He then chuckled.

"Might help for the next time you decide to let one loose." He added.

Alex gave Butters a hard glare, then got up once again. Butters took the lead, and the two went off in search of the gear they needed.

…

The two adventurers continued their perilous journey, facing off against a hoard of elves that sought to keep them from their goal. However, the elves found themselves greatly outmatched by the combined might of Butters and Alex. Soon, the two reached Jimbo's Guns, a small store near the North West corner of town. They made their way inside, where they were greeted by Jimbo and Ned, the two owners of the store.

Jimbo was your stereotypical hunter, dressed in a bright orange hat and shirt under a green tactical vest. Ned was completely different. He was dressed in a camo shirt that had the right arm sleeve tied up since he didn't have that arm. He wore glasses and a green bandana around his head, and when he spoke, he used a mechanical voice box that made him sound like a robot.

"Jimbo, we have customers." He called out in his robot, never changing voice.

Jimbo looked over the counter and grinned.

"Well howdy boys." He greeted. "What brings you two in here today? Business? Pleasure? Vengeance?"

"Vengeance!" Butters declared.

"You came to the right place." Ned remarked.

Jimbo turned to Alex, recognition dawning.

"I recognize you." He declared. "You're that boy that was hit by that rent-a-cop over by Dark Meadows."

Alex went to comment, but Jimbo just continued talking.

"Well, I think I have just the thing for you to get back at him."

Jimbo fished around under the counter, pulling out a pair of child-sized gas masks. He placed them both on the counter, giving Alex a grin.

"These here will protect you from even the most potent of pepper sprays, making that guard's attacks useless." He explained. "And they're only five dollars apiece."

Alex whistled in surprise.

"I'm applying the vengeance discount." Jimbo explained. "You look like a scrappy kid, and I'm sure you can show him what we 'riff raff' can do."

Alex fished around in their pocket, pulling out a couple crumbled ones that they carried around with them. Butters just pulled a crisp five from his pocket as well, setting it down with Alex's ones. Jimbo took the cash, then handed them the gas masks.

"You two have fun." Ned told them as they walked out of the store.

…

Butters and Alex peered around the corner, taking a look at the guard. He hadn't moved since he'd sprayed Alex, and he was no doubt waiting around to make sure that they didn't return. Butters and Alex looked at one another, exchanged wordless nods, and then slipped their masks on over their faces.

As the two rounded the corner, the guard sighed and picked up his pepper spray again. He gave it a shake and aimed it at Alex, but when he sprayed it, Alex didn't even flinch. Under the gas mask, they were grinning.

"What the fuck?" The guard cursed.

Alex then turned, aimed their ass at the guard, braced themselves, and then let another fart rip. Much like with the meth head before, the guard promptly barfed, then passed out on the ground. Butters and Alex high fived, then walked passed the now unconscious guard towards Token's house. The two walked up the front steps, finally removing their masks before Alex rang the doorbell. After a moment, the door was answered by a young African American boy, no doubt Token.

"Can I help you?" he asked.

"This is my new friend Alex." Butters introduced. "We come bearing a message from the Grand Wizard. The elves have reclaimed the Stick of Truth, and he is calling upon his greatest warriors."

Token gave a nod of understanding.

"Hang on one second." He insisted.

He closed the door, leaving the two adventurers waiting on the front porch. After a few minutes, the door opened again, revealing Token in a costume that made him look like a mage of some sort.

"Thank you for thy message, traveler! I shall make haste to Kupa Keep!" He declared before turning to close the door. "Mom, can you drive me to Eric's house?"

The door closed as Butters and Alex high fived one another.

"We did it!" Butters cheered. "We better get back to Kupa Keep though. The Grand Wizard will want to know about Feldspar's capture."

Alex nodded, then the two warriors raced off for their kingdom.


	3. The Siege of the School

The two noble heroes returned from their valiant quest, greeted at the gates of Kupa Keep by the newly gathered warriors. Token, having provided the two heroes with a ride in his family's private carriage, was stocking up on health potions, making sure he was ready to do his duties as Kupa Keep's chief healer. Tweek, now clothed in merely a pair of black pants and boots, was practically coated in war paint and armed with a bow and a small sword. From his supposed ferocious demeanor, it was clear he was meant to be a barbarian of sorts.

"We made it!" Butters shouted before turning towards Kupa Keep's war tent. "All soldiers reporting for duty, Grand Wizard!"

The Grand Wizard emerged from the war tent looking out at the expanse of warriors standing at the ready for him.

"Nice work, Douchebag." He complimented before turning to his men. "Now all my men are here and ready to fight for the-"

He cut off as he glanced around, a look of confusion on his face.

"Wait a minute… where's Feldspar?" he asked. "Where is my level 12 thief?!"

"Detention." Alex answered, remembering what Craig's father had said.

"What?!" Cartman exclaimed.

"He flipped off the principle, so he's in detention again." Tweek explained.

There was a moment of silence as Cartman let that sink in, a look of horror on his face.

"Oh my God…" he muttered. "If they've locked up our thief in detention, then we have no hope in retrieving the Stick of Truth."

He turned back to his army, his face becoming deathly serious.

"We have to break him out." He declared.

There was a collective gasp, then Tweek let out a panicked cry.

"No way man!" he practically shrieked. "Last time we broke Craig out of detention we all got in trouble!"

"Getting into trouble is a risk we're going to have to take!" The Grand Wizard snapped. "And by 'we' I mean Douchebag."

Alex choked a bit, looking over at Cartman with an expression of disbelief. They went to protest, but Butters spoke up instead.

"Yeah, Alex can do it!" he encouraged. "He's already a master of the Dragon Shout!"

Once again, there was a collective gasp, now directed in Alex's direction. They blushed hard, giving Butters an embarrassed glare. Cartman approached them, looking Alex up and down.

"You are only a level 4 fighter at best, and yet you've masters the Dragon Shout?" he questioned. "I don't see how one such as you could have mastered such a spell."

Alex wasn't sure why, but they felt somewhat insulted by Cartman's comments. While they usually refrained from releasing their farts around people, they did make exceptions for those who deserved it, like the guard before. Deciding Cartman needed to be taken down, Alex focused, clenched their ass, then turned towards Cartman and let off a loud fart.

Unlike the last two times Alex farted on someone, Cartman didn't vomit or pass out. However, he did stumble back, covering his nose in disgust. Everyone else did to, though Butters merely put his gas mask back on. Cartman coughed, then looked at Alex in awe.

"My god, that was... incredible. A man could live a hundred years and never again witness a spell so... boisterous. " He complimented. "It would seem that Paladin Butters was not lying. You are indeed a master of the Dragon Shout."

He then moved closer, taking on a serious tone.

"However, if you are going to use spells like the Dragon Shout, you must take the Gentlemen's Oath." Cartman informed Alex. "You must promise to NEVER, EVER fart on anyone's balls. Okay? Farting on an opponent is necessary, but farting on someone's balls is NOT COOL. Do you understand?"

Alex nodded, though they were quite confused by the strange oath.

"Very good, now you must be off." The Grand Wizard declared. "Our captive thief awaits you. Princess Kenny will aid you in your quest. I would go myself, but it is time for me to relax upon my throne."

Alex watched as Cartman entered his tent, no doubt to lounge about with one of the buckets of chicken Alex had seen in there. Everyone else scattered about, most likely to prepare to reclaim the Stick of Truth. As they did that, Princess Kenny approached them, giving a small curtsy. S/he spoke, his/her voice muffled by the parka. While Alex could barely understand what Princess Kenny had said, they understood the word "lead" and "way" amongst the unintelligible gibberish. S/he then turned away from Kupa Keep and made his/her way towards the gate. Alex gave a small shrug, then followed after them, assuming that Princess Kenny was headed for the school.

…

Unlike with Butters, the journey through the Lands of Zaron with Princess Kenny was a relatively peaceful one. The Princess was rather quiet, and even when she (Alex decided to address Princess Kenny as a she for simplicity) did speak, it was nearly impossible for Alex to understand her through her parka. Luckily, Princess Kenny knew exactly where they were going.

After walking for a ways, they eventually reached South Park Elementary, a boring, yellow, brick building that was seemingly abandoned since school had long since let out. Princess Kenny and Alex approached the window, standing on their tiptoes to peer through the foggy glass.

Inside the school cafeteria, a group of about eight children were all spread out across the various tables, overseen by the school's counselor Mr. Mackey. He looked around his various captives, his eyes falling onto a boy seated near the middle. The boy was wearing a blue pommed hat, and his coat resembled a medieval outfit. It was clear that this boy was Craig, or 'Feldspar'.

"Craig... Craig this is DETENTION, m'kay." Mr. Mackey proclaimed. "Stop looking at your watch because you are here for THREE HOURS, buddy! Mkay!"

Craig looked at his watch, then lowered his arm, giving Mr. Mackey a deadpan stare.

"Whatever." Craig replied in a voice that was just as emotionless as his stare.

"Don't think your friends are gonna come bust you out this time, Craig." Mr. Mackey warned.

"My name is Feldspar, I'm a level 12 thief, and the humans will soon rescue me from this tower." Craig retorted, his voice still deadpan.

"No, your name is fuckin' CRAIG TUCKER and you're in DETENTION!" Mr. Mackey snapped, standing up and pointing right at Craig. "Now start doing your homework! Mkay I've got all the doors SEALED and I've got hallway monitors working overtime - nobody is gonna save your ass today, Craig, mkay?!"

Princess Kenny mumbled out a question. Though her exact words weren't clear, it was obvious she was asking about a plan.

"Dunno." Alex admitted.

While Alex and Princess Kenny tried to think of a plan, something grabbed them by the backs of their clothes, pulling them away from the window and throwing them into the snow. After recovering from their sudden descent into the powdery whiteness, they looked up to see a pair of elves pointing arrows at them.

"Well, well, well, look what we have here." One of the elves taunted. "It's the new kid and 'Princess' Kenny."

"Yeah, The High Jew Elf King will be pleased when we bring you two to him." The second elf added.

Alex panicked, unsure of how to deal with the threat. Princess Kenny was not as panicked. Instead, she seemed surprisingly calm. When the two elves yanked them to their feet, Princess Kenny pulled down the front part of her dress, revealing her man-boobs to the two elves.

The two elves stared at her bared chest, their bows falling from their hands. Alex blinked in surprise, not exactly sure what they thought of this entire exchange. Still, they were not above taking. advantage of such a distraction. Alex drew their sword, smashing both elves across the head. They both crumbled to the ground as Princess Kenny fixed her dress.

"What the fuck?" Alex questioned.

Princess Kenny just shrugged, murmuring in reply. The only word that Alex could make out was 'boobies'. Lacking the patience, and willingness, to carry on thinking about this entire scenario, Alex just shook their head and entered the school.

Inside the school, Princess Kenny and Alex were immediately set upon by a young ginger wearing a hall monitor's sash. He immediately held up a hand to stop their advance.

"Excuse me, but school is OUT and no students allowed on the premises until tomorrow at 7:30 AM." He warned.

Alex and Princess Kenny ignored the hall monitor, making their way deeper into the school. The hall monitor blinked, then scurried to catch up to them. He slid in their path once again, holding up his hand to stop them.

"I warn you! Stay away from the doors! One step towards those doors and I will be forced to write you up!"

Alex didn't really care. They weren't enrolled in school yet, so even if the kid wrote them up, it wouldn't do anything. They stepped towards the door, reaching for the handle. The second they touched it, the hall monitor pulled out a whistle, blowing it loudly.

"You are in breach of school law and must be punished!" he shouted.

Alex rolled their eyes, then turned around and clocked the hall monitor across the face as hard as they could. The ginger fell, his whistle skittering across the ground. Alex took it and chucked it in the trash, giving the hall monitor a withering glance. Princess Kenny gave a falsetto giggle, delivering a kick to the downed hall monitor. Once this was done, the two made their way deeper into the school, unaware that the hall monitor was still conscious.

…

In the cafeteria, a walkie-talkie sitting on Mr. Mackey's table began to squawk, the downed hall monitor shouting into it in a panic.

" _Officer down, send back up!_ " he squealed. " _I repeat, officer down! All hallway monitors to the right hallway_!"

Mr. Mackey looked at the walkie-talkie in anger.

"Oh, goddammit!" He cursed.

"Here they come." Craig taunted.

"They aren't gonna get you, Craig!" Mr. Mackey snapped. "You're not getting out of here!"

"I'll be out of here in ten minutes." Craig gambled.

…

Most of the doors had been chained shut, but one was still left unlocked. Princess Kenny and Alex went through it, coming face to face with a large barricade made out of desks, chairs, and books. On the other side of the barricade, a group of hall monitors stood in a line, prepared to defend their halls.

"Intruder alert!" one of the monitors shouted. "Initiate security protocol!"

Alex looked at the barrier, then back at Princess Kenny. The Princess looked slightly nervous, mumbling something unintelligible under her breath. Alex made out the words "take out" and "all at once".

"How?" Alex hissed.

Princess Kenny pulled out a very girly bow decorated in pink and hearts, aiming it at the sprinkler system above them. Firing an arrow, she hit the sprinkler with surprising accuracy, setting off the system and showering the entire hallway with water. Alex was completely and utterly confused, then Princess Kenny spoke again. This time, only one word was intelligible: "intercom".

Alex glanced up at the wall, noticing an intercom system that had a speaker dangling haphazardly by some wires. Alex grinned, realizing Princess Kenny's plan. The sprinkler system had already formed a nice puddle at the feet of both hall monitors, and should something aid the intercom in falling…

Alex drew an arrow, one of the barbed wire ones they'd taken from some of the elves, and aimed it at the intercom. The arrow sliced through the wire easily, sending it falling down onto the water. It sparked, then the electricity traveled through the water to effectively taze the two hall monitors.

Princess Kenny let out a muffled cheer as the electricity died, along with the sprinkler system. Alex chuckled as well, sliding their bow across their shoulder before kicking down the barricade. The two then skirted around the water towards the cafeteria, but when they tried the door, they found it completely locked.

"Fuck." Alex cursed.

Through the door, the two would-be heroes heard Mr. Mackey taunt them.

"You're not gonna get through this door, mkay?" He told the both of them. "You might as well give up because I have hidden the key somewhere and you'll never find it in my office."

"Office!" Alex repeated, grinning at Princess Kenny.

"Aw, dammit... m'kay." Mr. Mackey muttered.

Princess Kenny mumbled something fast, then took off down the hallway. Alex ran after her, assuming she had said something like "I know the way".

…

The two reached the Counselor's office, and were both surprised to see the door chained shut with a large silver padlock. Alex glared at the door while Princess Kenny let out a curse. Unlike previous times she had spoken, it was clear that this time, she was saying "fucking bullshit".

"Key…" Alex murmured, looking around.

As they tried to look for the key, they saw a hall monitor approaching their location. Both Princess Kenny and Alex dove for cover behind a large stack of chairs. The hall monitor approached their hiding spot, giving Alex an idea. They threw their shoulder into the large stack of chairs, toppling it onto the approaching hall monitor. He was buried under the chair landslide, knocked out almost immediately. Both Princess Kenny and Alex breathed a sigh of relief, then Alex began searching the hall monitor.

"No key… damn." Alex muttered.

With no other choice, the two continued forward. Approaching the principal's lounge, the two swore they heard voices coming from inside.

"Search him!" one voice demanded, probably another hall monitor.

"No… No!" a panicked younger voice squealed. "Get away from me you freaks!"

Once again, the door was chained shut, this time with a large brass lock. Kenny muttered into her parka, the words "another key" slipping through. With yet another key to find, the two continued forward until they were stopped by a locked barrier gate. On the other side of the barrier, a group of three hall monitors were gathered.

"Intruders have made it past our first line of defense." One of the hall monitors warned. "We can't let them get this key."

The monitor held up a brass key, one that was no doubt to the lock on the teacher's lounge. Said monitor then pocketed the key, moving down the hallway and out of the view of the two heroes. Alex turned to Princess Kenny, a determined look on their face.

"We need in." they whispered.

Princess Kenny gave a curtsy, then approached the gate, letting out a shrill whistle. This got the attention of the monitor guarding the gate. He looked over, just as Princess Kenny lowered their blouse for the second time that day. The hall monitor was mesmerized, almost drooling as he stared.

"Wow… Boobies…" he droned, shuffling towards Kenny like a zombie.

Princess Kenny moved just out of range of the hall monitor, forcing him to unlock the barrier to get close enough.

"Must have…" he continued, shuffling ever closer. "Must touch… boobies…"

That's when Alex bashed the monitor across the head with their sword, knocking them out cold. Princess Kenny readjusted her dress, then the two ran through the barrier, ducking for cover in a nearby janitorial closet that had been left open. Once they were inside, the two peeked out at the hallway, eying the three ginger hall monitors that were blocking the path.

"One more than before." Alex remarked. "Fuck."

Princess Kenny spoke again, but Alex only made out the words "brass key".

"I know, but how?" Alex questioned.

The two looked about, then Alex laid eyes on a bulletin board hanging on the wall. It was tilted badly, and only seemed to be held up by a rather loose nail. More than that, if it fell, it would land right on two of the hall monitors, leaving only one for the two heroes to deal with. Alex grinned, knocking back an arrow before releasing it, striking the nail dead on. The nail slid free of the wall, sending the bulletin board crashing down on the two unfortunate hall monitors. This just left one, the bearer of the brass key, to fend for himself.

"Holy shit!" the lone hall monitor cried out.

Princess Kenny and Alex burst forth from the closet, both of them aiming arrows at the hall monitor.

"The key, now!" Alex demanded.

The hall monitor looked at the key, then at the two heroes. His face hardened as he slipped the key into his pocket, bringing up a lunchroom tray as a shield.

"You want the key, you'll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands." He jeered.

Princess Kenny made a muffled declaration, one Alex was sure went something along the lines of "That's the idea" and then a rather long string of curse words. Kenny fired on the monitor, the tray easily blocking the arrows. However, it provided Alex with the distraction they needed to slip past their defenses and sneak behind them.

Alex tapped the hall monitor on the shoulder, getting his attention. He turned, just as Princess Kenny snatched his lunch tray shield from him. He yelped, trying to reclaim it, but was tripped up by Alex's foot. He fell face first on the ground, the key bouncing out of his pocket. Alex snatched it up as Princess Kenny delivered a swift kick to the monitor's groin.

"Got it!" Alex declared.

The two took off back for the teacher's lounge.

…

Mr. Mackey's walkie- talkie squawked again as the recently downed hall monitor let out a distress call.

" _More officers down! We're taking heavy casualties out here!_ "

Mr. Mackey grabbed the walkie-talkie, glaring at it as he spoke into it.

"Dammit, you hallway monitors need to stop playing around, mkay!" He shouted.

" _He's got the brass key!_ " the hall monitor let out. " _He's like some sort of unstoppable fighter class warrior._ "

Mr. Mackey pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance.

"Now, look, this is detention time, not time to play Dungeons and Dragons!" he exclaimed "And besides, he's never gonna get inside here because to open the door, you need the gold key and the only way to get the gold key is by getting the silver key, mkay, which even if he HAS the brass key, he still hasn't made it past the chief. Mkay."

…

The brass key made short work of the lock keeping the teacher's lounge secured. Inside, the two adventurers found that the lounge had been turned a series of barricades, walls of chairs, tables, and books standing between them and their target. More than that, there were four hall monitors, two of whom guarding a boy who was crying all huddled in the corner.

Alex and Princess Kenny crouched down, doing their best to remain out of sight. Army crawling across the dingy carpet, they approached the chair barrier, where the only path out had been blocked by a box of fireworks marked "confiscated".

Alex felt a tug on their scarf and turned to see Princess Kenny ushering them out of the way. Unsure of what was going on, but getting a sinking feeling, they did as they were requested. Princess Kenny approached the box, then pulled a box of matches out of her parka pocket. She lit one, then flicked it into the box before diving for cover. Alex did the same thing seconds before chaos erupted..

The match set fire to the cardboard box, which in turn lit all of the fireworks. Once their fuses burned out, they launched across the lounge, flying around wildly while sparking and screaming. One struck the ground right in front of one of the hall monitors, the force of the explosion sending them into the wall and into unconsciousness. Another flew around, striking a table before exploding reducing it to scrap. A third struck the ceiling, frightening another hall monitor to to the point that he dove for cover.

"We're taking fire!" he shrieked. "Protect the front lines!"

As it happened, this terrified hall monitor chose to take cover right next to a stack of precariously placed books. Princess Kenny giggled, then let off a shot, knocking over the books right onto his hidey-hole. The hall monitor was buried under the books, and no doubt unconscious. This just left the two hall monitors stationed behind the very barrier Alex and Princess Kenny were in front of.

Princess Kenny mumbled something to Alex, gesturing to the still burning cardboard box. Alex wasn't one hundred percent confident in their translation, but they had the sneaking feeling she had said "Dragon Shout". Alex looked at the burning box, then sighed. They gave Princess Kenny a "get back" signal, which she thankfully listened to. Alex took a deep breath, then popped up in front of the barrier. Before the hall monitors could react, Alex turned around, bent over, and let out a very loud and particularly smelly fart.

The noxious fumes that left Alex's ass reacted violently with the flame, igniting into a cloud of fire that knocked both of the remaining hall monitors away. Princess Kenny tightened the pull strings on her parka to block out the smell as the sprinklers above them went off, putting out the fire. With all the obstacles clear, and all the hall monitors out cold, the kid they had been guarding finally had the nerve to leave his corner and make his way towards his rescuers.

"Thanks, I thought I was a goner!" he told them. "There were too many of them. They were too strong, their hair too red. Maybe you can take this silver key and find the gold key. You can succeed where I have failed! Free Mackey's prisoners!"

He pulled the silver key out of his pocket, handing it to Alex before promptly vaulting for the door. Alex looked at the key, then exchanged glances with Princess Kenny. Without a word shared, they both bolted out of the teacher's lounge, making a bee-line for Mr. Mackey's office.

The silver key made short work of the lock, allowing them into the office. Once they were inside, Princess Kenny began muttering excitedly, pointing up at a shelf above Mr. Mackey's desk. Alex looked up at where she was pointing, noting the large golden key displayed on a pedestal. Princess Kenny moved underneath it, giving Alex the boost they needed to reach the key. It took a moment of fumbling, but they eventually succeeded, bringing the key into their waiting embrace.

"Success!" Alex cheered, getting back on the ground.

Princess Kenny muttered in excitement, the words "Free Craig" slipping through. Alex gave a nod, then they opened the office door to head towards the cafeteria. They barely stepped out into the hall before the deep voice of a sixth grader bellowed out to them.

"That's far enough, intruder!"

Both Alex and Princess Kenny froze, turning to see a large, ginger sixth grader wearing football padding and wielding a mace made out of a dodgeball and an old pipe.

"You two are accused of destruction of school property, assault officers of the school justice system, and theft of school property." He declared, swinging his makeshift mace about. "It's time for me to scare you straight."

From the cafeteria, Alex and Princess Kenny heard Mr. Mackey calling out to them.

"Oh, yeah, that's the chief hall monitor." He taunted through the door. "Good luck fighting him, mkay. You still think this is a game, young man?"

The chief stepped forward, swinging his mace at the two would-be heroes. Though Alex was able to duck in time, the dodgeball connected with Princess Kenny's stomach, launching her back into the office. There was a loud crash as she connected hard with the desk, slumping to the ground.

"Kenny!" Alex screamed before turning to the chief. "You bastard!"

"Profanity is another ten demerits." The chief replied, swinging his mace again.

Alex dove to the side to avoid the oncoming attack, grabbing their bow and a barbed wire arrow. They let off a shot, only to find that the football pads protected them from the damage.

"Not in my hallway." The chief taunted.

Alex looked around, desperate for a way to get rid of this oversized hall monitor. Their bow was useless, but with that mace swinging around, getting in close was nearly impossible. Then, their eyes fell on the hallway leading towards the exit, which was still covered in water. Realizing it was probably their only chance, Alex bolted for the exit, the chief immediately following them.

"Running in the halls!" he shouted. "You're looking at a suspension!"

Alex just kept running, veering slightly to avoid the water before diving behind the remains of the barricade. The chief went to follow them, but was not as mindful of the water as Alex was. He stepped onto the water, and not only did he end up slipping and falling, he also ended up getting tased, just like two still unconscious hall monitors he fell on top of. Alex watched him writhe around before he settled down, out like a light.

"Perfect." Alex let out.

They came out from behind the barricade, using the downed as a springboard to get safely over to the dry part of the hallway. They then went back to Mr. Mackey's office, where Kenny was beginning to stir.

"You okay?" Alex asked, slightly worried.

Princess Kenny nodded, murmuring a bit. Alex wasn't sure, but they swore they heard her say "At least I didn't die this time". Chalking it up as a miscommunication, Alex just helped Princess Kenny to her feet before they both proceeded towards the cafeteria.

…

The cafeteria doors began to rattle and shake, drawing the attention of the prisoners trapped inside. Then, the doors were thrown open as Alex and Princess Kenny cheered triumphantly.

"Let's go!" Alex shouted.

All of the prisoners cheered, then in a flurry of snatched backpacks and abandoned homework papers, made their escape. Craig was one of the last to leave, turning towards Mr. Mackey to flick him off.

"Told you." He taunted before following Princess Kenny and Alex out of the school.

Mr. Mackey watched his prisoners escape, shaking his fists and shouting at their retreating forms.

"Damn you Craig!"


	4. Barring the Bard

In the wake of the mass prison break launched by Alex "Douchebag" the Fighter and Princess Kenny, the freed prisoners poured out into the wilderness of Zaron, cheering for their newfound freedom. The two prison breakers made their way to the safety of Kupa Keep, Feldspar the Thief following right behind them. None of them stopped running until the gates of the kingdom were in sight and, only then, did they feel safe enough to pause for breath.

"Thanks for busting me out, kid." Feldspar addressed Alex. "Who are you?"

"Alex, a fighter."

"That New Kid the Grand Wizard hasn't shut up about?" Feldspar remarked. "He has been waiting on your arrival for weeks. Glad you're on the right side!"

Princess Kenny let out a small cough, gathering both Alex's and Feldspar's attention. She then mumbled something, the words "mission", "stick", and "dirty elves" slipping through all of her usual gibberish.

"The Princess is right." Feldspar agreed. "The Grand Wizard will be waiting for us."

Together, the three heroes entered the Kingdom of Kupa Keep, where the Grand Wizard and his subjects greeted them all warmly.

"Feldspar!" The Grand Wizard declared. "You have been freed from the Tower of Detention! Now my army in complete!"

Feldspar just shrugged, then took his place amongst the ranks. Alex went to do the same, but was stopped by Cartman.

"Hold on, Douchebag." He insisted, before clearing his throat in preparation of one of his epic speeches. "Douchebag, for your most gracious efforts in freeing the great Feldspar where others have failed, I grant upon thee the title of 'Sir Douchebag the Fighter'. Wear it proudly. Oh, and you also ranked up and whatever, enjoy level 6."

There was a slow round of applause, which Alex accepted, having given up on trying to change Cartman's mind on calling them Douchebag. Butters even brought them a red blanket, which Alex tied around their neck as a cape. It billowed behind them, a symbol of their newly earned status.

"But now it is time for us to take back that which is rightfully ours." The Grand Wizard continued, addressing the army as a whole. "A carrier raven has come with news that the Stick of Truth has not yet been taken to the Elven Forest. It is in the possession of... the Bard."

There was a collection of horrified gasps as everyone looked at each other in utter terror.

"The- The Bard?" Scott Malkinson stammered.

"The Bard!" Tweek screamed, twitching more nervously than usual. "Oh no!"

Princess Kenny let out a terrified scream, muffled by her parka as usual.

"Who?" Alex questioned.

"The Bard is a level ten Drow Elf who can use magic to enchant and destroy his enemies!" Butters explained quickly.

"Exactly, meaning if we wish to defeat him, Sir Douchebag will need to learn a ranged magic attack." The Grand Wizard remarked. "Sir Douchebag, with me."

He made his way over to a pair of training dummies that had been set up along part of the fence. As Alex made their way over to him, he immediately began his lesson.

"Now the spell I am about to teach you is powerful." The Grand Wizard explained, pausing unnecessarily long for dramatic effect. "It is known only to a select inner circle of powerful wizards you probably will never meet in this game. It has many names, but those who can master it know it as 'Cup-A-Spell'."

Alex looked a bit confused, but luckily did not have to voice their confusion before The Grand Wizard went on.

"It's not easy, but being able to throw your fart from a distance can save you in battle." he insisted. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Cartman made a cup out of his hand over his fat ass, arranging it so that the fart gathered inside his palm. His face became stoic with concentration before turning to the dummy.

"Cuppa!" He spun his hand forward, "Spell!"

A small ball of green gas flew towards the dummy which was literally knocked back by the wave of stench that Cartman tossed at it. Alex whistled in surprise as Cartman turned to Alex.

"You see how it works?" He asked, receiving a nod from Alex. "Now you try. Way back from where you're standing. Cup the magic, throw it at your opponent."

Alex felt more than a little silly doing this with their farts, but they had done weirder with their ass, so they decided to give it a shot. Cupping their hand under their ass, Alex let out a fart before tossing their hand at the dummy like they were throwing a baseball. Much to their surprise, the dummy shook once again, but this time it completely fell over. Cartman immediately cheered.

"Yes, YES! But now let us see how you fare against a REAL opponent!" He turned towards the stables, just barely containing a bout of giggles threatening to come out. "Hey- hey Malkinson! Malkinson, could you come help us with something?"

He snickered as Alex gave him a confused look. He immediately shushed them, whispering softly.

"Don't tell him, this is gonna be sweet." He explained.

Scott Malkinson approached the training arena, looking at Cartman curiously.

"Yes?" he asked.

"Oh hey, Scott, could you um, spar with Douchebag real quick?" Cartman requested. "He's gonna try out a new move."

Scott nodded, then moved in front of Alex, getting into a fighting stance.

"En garde!" he proclaimed.

"Now, Douchebag! Cast the spell!" Cartman shouted.

Alex repeated the same motions from before, gathering their fart in their hand before hurtling it at Scott Malkinson. He immediately gagged and coughed, stumbling back and waving his hand in front of his face. Cartman busted out into laughter as Scott regained his composure.

"DUDE THAT WAS SWEET! YOU THREW THAT SHIT RIGHT IN SCOTT'S FACE!" Cartman bellowed, nearly crying he was laughing so hard. "All right Scott, go back to your post. Thank you. Hahaha."

"Sorry." Alex whispered as Scott walked past them

"Not your fault." He replied. "That's just Cartman."

Alex shrugged at that, seeing the truth in Scott's words. He may call Alex a Douchebag, but it was clear who the true douchebag was.

"Alright men!" The Grand Wizard called out from in front of his war tent. "If the carrier ravens are correct, the Bard is hiding out at the Inn of the Giggling Donkey. We must find him before he's able to take the Stick back to the Elven Forest."

"Let us find the Bard and bring him to Justice!" Paladin Butters shouted, lifting his mighty war hammer.

"Make haste!" The Grand Wizard declared. "To the Inn of the Giggling Donkey."

With the rambunctious cheers of the Grand Wizard's army echoing in their ears, Alex followed the group out of Kupa Keep towards the elven bard and the stolen Stick of Truth.

…

The warriors of Kupa Keep gathered up in front of the Inn of the Giggling Donkey, peering through the bushes along the curb. Alex glanced at the inn, wondering whose house had been converted into the Inn.

"Paladin Butters," The Grand Wizard addressed. "Are you sure the Bard is hiding in there?"

"That's what Twitter says." Butters replied.

Cartman turned to Butters, looking beyond annoyed.

"Carrier raven, Butters!" he exclaimed. "Goddamn it, get it fucking right!"

"S-sorry." Butters stammered. "That's what the carrier raven says."

The Grand Wizard gave a nod, then turned to the rest of his men.

"Feldspar, take Token and guard the back door." He commanded. "Tweek, stay here and make sure the Bard doesn't try and make a break for it. Paladin Butters, Princess Kenny, Sir Douchebag... let's go inside."

Feldspar took off towards the back door, Token right on his tail. Once they vanished from sight, The Grand Wizard adjusted his robe, straightened his hat, and then marched onward towards the front door. Alex and the other kids followed him inside, where the strangest sight greeted Alex.

The living room of the house had been transformed into a rather believable inn, one that you would find in medieval times. Tables were set up across the room, with different kids dressed up as rogues and bandits. Alex found their hand drifting down to the wooden sword still sitting on their belt. A makeshift bar had been set up with a kid manning it, wiping a red solo cup with a paper towel. Rows of vitamin waters, Gatorades, and two large jugs of lemonade were set up along the couch.

The Grand Wizard approached the "bar", leaning against the table and looking at the bartender.

"A glass of meedlewine please." He requested.

"No meedlewine today." The bartender replied, still wiping the cup. "Only fairy ale."

"A pint of fairy ale then." The Grand Wizard decided.

The bartender grabbed a bottle of vitamin water, pouring it into a spare plastic cup before sliding it to the Grand Wizard. He picked it up, taking a sip before swirling the contents of his glass carefully, as if he was considering something.

"So..." he began after a moment, "has uh... anyone seen the Bard lately?"

The mood in the Inn dropped quickly. With that single sentence, every kid in the Inn was staring at the Grand Wizard and his entourage. Princess Kenny, Paladin Butters, and Alex all moved a bit closer to the Grand Wizard, visibly uncomfortable by the sudden change in atmosphere.

"A cup of Fairy Ale isn't much if not accompanied by some bardic poems and songs." The Grand Wizard said, as if defending his inquiry.

"The Bard has a room down in the cellar." The bartender explained. "You'll find him there."

"Ah, and I shall pay handsomely for his services." The Grand Wizard declared, setting down his cup before tossing some pennies onto the counter. "Sir Douchebag."

Alex followed the Grand Wizard away from the bar towards the door leading to the basement of the house.

"Butters, Sir Douchebag, go down and flush him out." He whispered to his group. "Princess Kenny and I will be waiting here to murder him. Remember, the Bard can use songs to enchant. Don't let him get to you."

Alex and Butters both nodded, then made their way down into the darkened cellar. The lights were off, the only illumination coming from the lone basement window. Thankfully, it was enough light for Alex and Butters to deftly avoid the maze of junk strewn about the ground.

"You think the bard's really down here?" Butters questioned.

Alex didn't answer, adjusting their grip on their sword. As they made their way towards the end of the basement, the sound of a lute being strummed filled their ears. Both Butters and Alex cringed as a figure emerged from the darkness. It was a kid in a yellow shirt and jeans, a green blanket tied around his neck and a folded newspaper hat perched on his head. However, this wasn't what drew Alex's attention. The kid's legs were bent in strange directions with thick boots rising up to his ankles, and his left eye was askew. He also had crutches on his arms, and braces on his teeth.

"Oh no!" Butters cried out. "It's The Bard!"

"Prepare for battle, w-w-w-weaklings!" The Bard stammered. "Elves, fall in!"

Two elves rolled from behind stacks of boxes as three dove down from shelves along the wall, marker staffs and safety scissor daggers drawn. Alex unsheathed their wooden sword as Butters held up his hammer, placing themselves back to back as the elves surrounded them. Suddenly, Cartman appeared at the top of the stairs, his hat crooked and his robe being pulled on from behind.

"Douchebag!" the Grand Wizard cried. "It's a trap!"

Cartman was pulled back and the door slammed shut with a mighty bang that echoed through the basement. Alex knew that, except for Butters, they were alone. The young Paladin was shivering behind them, his hammer quivering in his grasp.

"Oh hamburgers." Butters whimpered.

"You should have never come here, h-humans." The Bard taunted. "I am a level 10 bard and, with my lute, I shall power up my elven guards with magical songs of encha - with magical songs of encha-cha - with magical songs of encha-chaaa... mag... magical songs of enchame-me-me..."

Alex lowered their weapon in confusion, looking at the Bard as he tried to finish his sentence. Everyone else just seemed to be standing there, a few of the elves pulling out their phones while they waited. Alex turned to Butters, still confused.

"Is this normal?" they asked.

"Jimmy don't talk too good, and sometimes he takes a minute to say something." Butters explained. "We set up a rule that nothing happens until he finishes speaking."

"With magical songs of encha-chaaaa…" Jimmy continued, "mag- magical songs of t enchame-me-me... with magical songs of encha-chaaaa..."

This went on for a few more seconds before he finally finished the sentence.

"Magical songs of enchantment." he concluded.

The elves dropped their phones quickly, returning to battle stances. One elve lunged towards Alex, who struck them down with a horizontal slice to the face. Two more charged forward. Alex sidestepping the first who then crashed into Butters and hitting the other elf twice, once in the gut before smashing their hilt into the back of the elf's head. Alex turned, stabbing the elf on top of Butters clean through.

"I'm okay…" Butters whimpered as Alex spun the sword in their hand.

Alex's free hand stretched out, motioning the remaining elves with two fingers to come at them. That was when Jimmy's voice broke the action.

" _There once was a maiden from Stonebury Hollow._ _  
_ _She didn't talk much, but boy did she swallow._ "

"Wait, what?" Alex stopped, confused.

" _I have a nice lance that she sat upon._ _  
_ _The maiden from Stonebury who was also your mom._ "

Alex turned to him in disgust at the choice of song.

"Gross, dude." they gagged, turning to Jimmy in annoyance.

"Oh no!" Butters cried, "The enchantment is too powerful, even for Sir Douchebag."

"What do you-?"

In their moment of distraction, one of the elves struck Alex with their marker sword, shattering their colorful weapon over their head. Alex grunted, falling to the ground as they gripped their head in pain. In a fit of anger, they brought their sword up between the legs of the offending elf. The elf fell and the final one clutched his groin in sympathy pain. The Bard went slightly wide-eyed, climbing off the box and hobbling as fast as he could towards the stairs.

"Wow, what a butt kicking." He remarked as he fled.

Butters smited the final elf down with a mighty blow of his hammer, the elf collapsing in a heap on the floor. The Bard pushed Alex and Butters aside as he maneuvered through the low walls of boxes in the basement. As he reached for the door, he looked down at the massacre of his kind. The door opened and four more elves greeted the Bard before stepping aside.

"Get down there and finish them off." he ordered. "I will protect the S-Stick of Truth."

The elves looked at the Bard and nodded as they prepared their weapons. The Bard scrambled passed them as the Elves rushed into the room. The door closed with a loud click of a lock, trapping Alex and Butters in the cellar with their newest opponents. Butters grabbed Alex, pulling them behind a stack of boxes to hide.

"W-what do we do?" He asked. "I-I don't think we can fight them all!"

Just as Alex opened their mouth to answer, a soft tapping sound came from the outside window.

"Hey!" Feldspar called out, knocking on the glass. "Up here!"

Thinking quickly, Alex drew back their bow, firing an arrow at the lock. Their aim was true and the lock clicked open.

"Good thinking, Sir Douchebag." Butters softly cheer.

Feldspar slid open the window, drawing the attention of the elves. However, because he was on one of the high shelves, he was out of their reach. He grabbed a lantern from the shelf, tossing it towards one of the boxes. It shattered on impact, lighting the cardboard ablaze. Alex grinned, then ushered for Feldspar to take cover. The thief did as he was told, Butters also backing away as if knowing what they had planned. Alex then cupped their hand under their ass, letting out a fart before hurtling the gas at the flame.

The explosion was a spectacular thing, sending three of the elves flying across the cellar. The remaining elf watched his companions go down, dropping his weapon in terror.

"Aw fuck me." he cursed, hiding under a table.

The shelf was rocked by the blast, the supports bending underneath due to the heat.

"Oh fuck!" Feldspar called as the shelf collapsed to the ground.

He landed with a hard thud against the concrete floor of basement

"My ankle!" He cried out. "I-I think it's twisted. You guys go ahead. I'm done for."

"Butters." Alex said, turning to the Paladin. "Can you-?"

"Way ahead of you, Sir Douchebag." Butters interjected.

He made his way over to the fallen thief, the cowering elf flinching as the two heroes passed him. Once they reached Feldspar, Butters gave him a nice pat on his injured leg. His hand glittered with green, swirling sparkles and with each pat, the green energy covered Feldspar's leg until he was able to rise to his feet once more.

"Thank you, Noble Paladin." Feldspar told Butters.

"The door's locked." Alex commented, gesturing up the stairs with their thumb.

"Nothing a level 12 thief can't handle." Feldspar insisted.

He walked over to the door and reached under his scarf, removing a small silver chain with a row of keys on it. The end of each key had a paper mache skull attached on it, no doubt in an attempt to make it look like a skeleton key. He chose one with a 'J' carved into the back and placed it into the lock, turning it a few times before the lock gave.

"Onward, Sir Douchebag!" Feldspar cheered.

The three heroes made their way back up to the main floor. By this point, the bar area had been barricaded off, tables flipped onto their sides and lemonade coolers blocking the front door. Elves and rogues were scattered about, and sounds of a scuffle in the kitchen drew Alex's attention.

"For the Elf King!" an elf cried out.

"Help!" Cartman begged "Someone!"

"The Grand Wizard's in trouble!" Butters realized.

"Go help him!" Feldspar told the two. "I'll try and hold off the reinforcements."

Alex nodded, grabbing Butters before making their way towards the Grand Wizard. He had been cornered in the kitchen by three elves, who were taking turns kicking the shit out of him. They shouted curses and slurs the entire time, no doubt enjoying this small taste of payback.

"Not so tough without your army, huh fatass!" One elf sneered,

Alex calmly cleared their throat, causing the elves to freeze and turn to them.

"Hi." Alex greeted before swinging their sword right in the face of one of the elves.

The elf's nose broke with an audible crunch as they fell to the ground, blood pouring from their face. The second elf reached for his back, his hand fumbling for the bow as Alex rushed forward, driving their knee straight into their stomach before grabbing them by the back of the head and throwing them into a cabinet. The third one grabbed his marker sword and charged. Alex smiled as they held their sword. The blades clashed, splinters and colored dye flying as Alex backed up slowly with each elvish swing. They stopped, blocking his final blow before their sword went flying. Now disarmed, they were defenseless against the elf's brutal kick to the groin. They dropped to a knee as the elf smiled down on them.

"Surrender human, you are no match for the High Jew Elf King's forces! You will-"

Suddenly, a hammer flew into the elf's face with a loud crack. The elf fell to the ground, crying as blood ran down his face.

"Oh hamburgers! Are you okay, Sir Douchebag!?" Butters asked, grabbing his hammer.

Alex nodded slightly, gesturing to Cartman with a wave of their arm. The Grand Wizard was on his back with what looked like blood around his mouth. Butters quickly ran to his side, patting him as the swirling green sparkles returned. The Grand Wizard groaned, sitting up before taking a ketchup packet from his robe pocket.

"His powers were too strong - the Bard." he lamented, squeezing the contents of the packet into his mouth before coughing, giving the illusion he was coughing up blood. "He's up in one of the rooms."

Alex managed to compose themselves, looking down at the elves in anger. Their anger gave way to worry when they noticed the Princess was nowhere to be seen.

"Wait, where's Kenny?" Alex questioned.

"The Bard-" Cartman cough again, "The Bard took her upstairs. I tried to stop them but-"

"Save your strength, Grand Wizard." Butters whispered before standing up. "We will save the Princess and capture the Bard! Come, Sir Douchebag!"

"Right." Alex agreed. "Let's move."

They turned back towards the bar, where they could see the Bard addressing the remaining elves.

"The Wizard King is done for!" He cheered, making his way upstairs. "Take out the New Kid while I go upstairs and make contact with the High Jew Elf King."

The elves nodded in reply, arming themselves and manning their barricade. Reaching behind their backs to grab their slingshots, the elves began a rain of red paper balls against the two. Butters immediately grabbed Alex and forced them to the ground.  
"Look out! They have fire magic!" Butters called as they rolled behind an overturned table.

"We have to find a new way around them, or we'll never get to Princess Kenny!"

Alex looked around, then noticed Token and Tweek passing under the front window. They appeared to be trying to get through the front door, but the barricade kept them from entering.

"Token and Tweek." Alex spoke up. "They need help."

"B-but the fireballs!" Butters let out. "We have no defense against it!"

Butters looked over the edge of the table, just as a ball grazed his head. Alex swore they saw sparks and embers dancing on Butters for a brief moment, but quickly shook their head to clear their thoughts. They needed a solution out of this.

"What do we do Alex?!" Butters said, grabbing Alex and shaking them.

Just then, Alex noticed the wafting red cape behind them. They grabbed Butters' arms and forced him to release them.

"What are you thinking, Alex?" Butters asked as Alex held the cape in their hand.

Could they do that? Would it break the rules? Alex had no time to consider it, it was their life or Kenny's. They rolled into the open space and raised their cape up as three fireballs collided with the fabric. The room exploded with great force as fire rained in all directions. The elves laughed their hideously nasaled laughed as the smoke surrounded them. But then, Alex stood up, the elves looking upon them in confusion.

"That's- that's impossible! You're dead!" They all said in nearly perfect unison.

Alex only smirked as they brushed the cape away.

"The Aegis Cloak of Fireproofing." Alex replied as the elves all gasped.

"No- No!" One elf cried out in despair. "Our magic is useless! We must fall back, we must-"

Alex then rushed to their cover, planting their foot onto the milk crate that stood before it and leaping into the air, drawing their sword. One elf stumbled, falling backwards just as Alex landed on top of them. The sword struck true, killing the elf. The other two looked upon them with fear. Again, a fireball flew towards Alex, who blocked the blow with the cloak before charging them. The sword struck their knee, crippling them before a solid roundhouse kick defeated them. The other elf began rushing towards Alex before a large, ball peen hammer struck them in the side of the head, knocking them out.

"For the Grand Wizard of Kupa Keep!" Butters cried as he struggled to get over the barrier.

"Perfect timing, Butters." Alex told him, sheathing her sword before running towards the barricade. "Help me with this."

Together, the two quickly dismantled the wall of stuff blocking the front door. Once it was clear, Tweek and Token rushed in.

"Thanks guy." Token told them. "Where's the Wizard King?"

"Kitchen." Alex answered, pointing behind them.

"He's hurt pretty bad." Butters explained. "Feldspar's with him, but you better hurry."

"Ack!" Tweek cried out. "What if he DIES?! It'll be ANARCHY, man!"

"Calm down Tweek." Token told him. "You forgot, my healing's plus four."

He and Tweek made their way towards the kitchen as Butters turned to Alex.

"We better go save Princess Kenny." he said. "Who knows what the elves are doing to her."

"Right." Alex nodded.

...

The two made their way upstairs to where the elves had taken Princess Kenny. They could heard her muffled cries of fear coming from the master bedroom, as well as a suspiciously rhythmic creaking. Upon hearing the noise, Butters went beyond pale.

"Oh no!" he cried out. "Princess Kenny! The- The elves must be raping her!"

Alex practically rushed at the door, throwing it open. The two heroes gasped when they saw Princess Kenny tied up on the bed with jump rope, an elf jumping on the bed next to her.

"Princess!" Alex cried out.

The elf turned around, continuing his rhythmic jumping. His eyes went wide as he reached for his sword.

"Humans of Kupa Keep!" he shouted, still jumping as he spoke. "You'll never take the Princess-"

Suddenly, Princess Kenny lashed out, kicking the elf in the leg. He yelped and missed his jump, falling off the bed and crashing headfirst into the nightstand. He fell into a heap on the floor, the Princess getting to her feet as she let out a muffled laugh.

"Princess Kenny, are you okay?" Butters asked.

Princess Kenny nodded, muffling into her parka. Alex didn't even bother translating, merely climbing onto the bed and untying her. Kenny flexed her arms, then hopped off the bed. Alex did the same, joining Butters as he and the Princess made their way out into the hall. There, they were greeted by the rest of the Kupa Keep party, including the Wizard King.

"Princess Kenny!" The Wizard King let out. "Thank God you're okay. Did those dirty elves rape you?"

The Princess shrugged, mumbling something about 'not too badly'. While this exchange went on, Feldspar worked to try and get into Jimmy's room. Unfortunately, he seemed to be having some trouble doing so.

"I can't get through." He reported. "The door appears to be enchanted so I can't turn the knob."

Cartman scowled at that, trying to turn the knob himself. Still scowling, he knocked his staff against the door loudly.

"YOU CAN'T HOLD THE DOORKNOB, BARD!" he shouted. "THAT'S CHEATING!"

"Yeah, I can." The bard argued from inside the room. "I have the Stick of Truth, which means I control the universe, and I say holding the doorknob is okay."

"UGH!" Cartman shouted before honestly contemplating what the Bard had said. "Can he do that?"

"He has the Stick of Truth, so he can do what he wants." Feldspar replied.

"Fuck!" Cartman swore. "There's got to be another way inside."

Alex mulled that over, trying to think of an idea. They glanced out the window of the master bedroom, grinning as they snapped their fingers, an idea forming.

"Wait here." they insisted.

Alex then bolted back into the master bedroom, opening the window. Standing on the window sill, they looked over at the corner of the house where a large gutter ran along. They smiled, grabbing onto their cloak, taking a deep breath and jumping. Their arms grabbed onto the gutter, which groaned and threatened to break from the house. They kicked their feet forward, spun around the corner, and released before landing on the next window sill where they saw Jimmy at the door. Using their cape to soften the blow, Alex smashed through the glass of the window, unlocking it and sliding it open, entering the room.

"Give me the Stick, Bard." Alex demanded.

The Bard jumped, nearly losing his balance and forcing him to grab both of his crutches to stabilize himself. This allowed the rest of the Kupa Keep heroes to enter the room, closing in on The Bard.

"You've nowhere to run, Bard." The Wizard King declared. "I suggest you do what Sir Douchebag wants, and give us the Stick."

"Take it from me if you can, W-Wizard King." The Bard told him. "Step forward now, and fulfill your de- de- and fulfill your de-de-de... Step forward now and fulfill your de- Step forward now and fulfill your de-de... your de-e-e... your deee... Step forward now and fulfill your de-de... Your de... Your deeee..."

All of the Kupa Keep warriors let out a groan, Cartman checking his watch impatiently. Alex took the opportunity to brush broken glass from their cape, dropping them into a nearby trash can. By the time their small chore was completed, Jimmy had finally managed to finish what he was saying.

"Step forward now and fulfill your d-d-d-destiny!"

The second he finished his sentence, Alex moved. Jimmy stumbled in surprise,

"Wha- what the-"

Suddenly, Alex grabbed the stick, yanking it out of the bard's hand.

"The fuck!?" The Bard exclaimed.

With a flash, Alex drew their sword, spinning it quickly and knocking one of the Bard's crutches out from underneath him. He fell over in defeat, Alex kicking the crutches out of his reach. For added measure, Feldspar grabbed his lute, lifting it into the air before smashing it on the floor, destroying it and rendering the Bard powerless. Alex held the Stick in the air as Butters pulled out a small trumpet, playing a celebratory tune.

"Wow Douchebag" The Wizard King said, "That wasn't half bad."

He then turned to his fellow soldiers.

"We have retrieved the Stick of Truth, Glory to Kupa Keep!" he declared.

The rest of the soldiers shouted a grand 'Huzzah!'

"Now, let us return to the sanctuary of Kupa Keep!" He proclaimed. "The Inn of the Giggling Donkey is no longer safe for our kind."

…

The victorious heroes returned to Kupa Keep, Alex returning the Stick of Truth to its pedestal.

"Once again, the Stick of Truth is back where it belongs." The Wizard King addressed the throngs of soldiers before him. Great job, men! Douchebag, for your heroic deeds and valiant self-sacrifice at the great Battle of The Giggling Donkey, I hereby make you an official member of the Kingdom of Kupa Keep. Welcome to the KKK!"

Everyone applauded, though it only felt that Sir Butters was truly genuine. All around them were sharing looks of worry and concern. With that, The Grand Wizard placed his hand around Alex's neck and lifted his free hand high in the air.

"You did well today Douchebag," Cartman insisted, "and now I will reveal to you the next part of your great and epic-"

"Schmoopsie-kins!" Cartman's mother called out from the porch. "It's getting late. Time for you and your friends to go night-night."

Cartman groans, letting go of Alex and pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Okay, Mom, thanks for pointing out bedtime for everyone." he deadpanned, annoyance laced in his tone.

"It's a school night, hon." she pointed out. "You and your little druid friends need to-"

"WE ARE WARRIORS AND WIZARDS, MAWM!" Cartman snapped, turning to his mom "NOT FUCKING DRUIDS! JESUS CHRIST!"

"Oh, that's it!" Cartman's mom suddenly declared, marching over to Cartman. "You're going to bed. The rest of you better get home too."

"Yes, Ms. Cartman." Everyone spoke in unison, having never seen Cartman looked so scared of his mother before.

The group quickly dispersed with Alex deciding to walk through the gate and go behind the houses, as to avoid Cartman's Mother's wrath. They would fight dragons before doing something that stupid.


End file.
